The Challenges of Being a Nonbirth Parent in the NICU

The NICU is often called an emotional roller coaster. There are many emotional ups and downs. You may be feeling sad, angry, guilty, and scared—sometimes all at once. It’s a lot for anyone to handle. But as a nonbirth parent, you’re a key support for your partner and your baby. So it’s important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. That means making sure to:

• Treat your body right. Eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep and exercise can help you manage this stressful time.
• Deal with your feelings. It’s a difficult time, and you’ve got a lot of strong emotions. Journaling about what you’re feeling may help. So can talking to someone, listening to music, or exercising.
• Ask for help. Now’s the time to reach out to family and friends. Ask if they can help with going food shopping, delivering meals, staying with older children, or taking care of pets.
• Stay up-to-date with the NICU staff. As hard as this time is, you will feel better by being informed. Get updates on your baby’s care from the NICU nurses and doctors. Ask the social worker about any helpful local resources.
• Find a parent support group. Ask the NICU nurse or social worker about local support groups for NICU families. Or find an online support group. It can be helpful for you and your partner to talk with other parents who understand what you’re going through.
• Talk to your boss. Let your workplace know what’s going on. They may have a family leave policy that allows you to take some time off. Or you may be able to switch to a flexible schedule or work fewer hours.
• Give yourself a break. It’s not always easy to take some time for yourself when you’re juggling the NICU, older kids at home, and work. But even a 10-minute walk outside can help relieve stress.

Your partner needs help and support, too. Here are some ways you can care for them:

• Handle things at home. Your partner may need to stay in the hospital for a while. Or they may be home, but still recovering after labor and birth. So anything you can do to keep things running smoothly at home will help. This can mean keeping things tidy, running errands, and doing the laundry. Or it can mean handling care and appointments for your older children.
• Make sure they’re eating well. Pack healthy snacks and make sure they’re drinking enough water each day.
• Help with their pumping and breastfeeding efforts. There are many practical ways to support your partner: clean the pumping supplies, label and store milk, and bring milk to the NICU.
• Keep them updated. Your partner may be unable to go the NICU and see your baby. To help them feel connected, take pictures and videos of your baby. Or do a video call with your baby. Give your partner medical updates and note any milestones.
• Listen and be supportive. As the birth parent, your partner is going through a lot, both physically and emotionally. You each may handle the NICU experience differently. But it’s hard on both of you. Make sure to stay connected by talking together about your feelings and listening to each other.

It can be hard to feel like a parent in the NICU. Your baby may be attached to tubes, wires, and monitors. And all of their care may be done by a team of nurses and other healthcare providers. But even if you can’t hold your baby at first, you can still create a bond with them. Your baby already knows your voice. So just being at your baby’s side and talking, singing, or reading to them can help to soothe and comfort them.

When the NICU team feels your baby is stable enough, you can help care for your baby. You will be able to do things like:

• Help with feedings
• Hold your baby
• Change their diapers
• Take their temperature
• Give them a sponge bath
• Have skin-to-skin contact (called kangaroo care)

Don’t worry if you’re unsure or nervous about doing any of these things. The nurses will show you how to handle your baby safely. And the more hands-on care you do in these early NICU days, the better prepared you will feel when you bring your baby home.